OH SUCK

3/27/12 Tues. PM

I just came across my ex-boyfriend’s Facebook page. Yeah I know, don’t go there, right? Well, I figured it’s been enough time, I can just peak.

This is the one I broke off 6 years ago because he wasn’t ready to marry and wasn’t interested in having kids when I was. Looks like he’s married and has kids, PLUS he appears happy. Kind of a blow to see, because although I am in a healthy, devoted relationship with a man who wants kids with me, I have lost the ability to have children because the radiation treatments will scramble my eggs and induce early menopause.

Sigh. Life, huh? Am I jealous? Maybe. Yes. At the time I was frustrated that I had gotten so far into a relationship, then had to leave it because of the difference in our needs. I don’t feel bad about missing that opportunity because we just weren’t ready. No fault. Before cancer Matt & I were not quite ready to bring a child into the world, and I believe it was the best choice until we were ready. Now we are ready, but the ship has sailed. The heartbreaking thing is twofold:

1) I don’t get the experience of raising my own kids. I feel I would be good at the job, and most importantly, raise good kids.
2) I don’t get to talk to parents as a parent. I can relate superficially, then I am just not in the club.

This is hard sometimes. I feel envious that Matt raised a daughter. He relates to other parents, and has an appreciation for kids that I can only share superficially because I’ve never been invested that way. Matt’s devotion to me goes above and beyond any desire for children. He just wants life to be spent with me. Nice boy, huh?

I cannot make babies, so now new possibilities will be open to us.

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