OH SUCK

3/27/12 Tues. PM

I just came across my ex-boyfriend’s Facebook page. Yeah I know, don’t go there, right? Well, I figured it’s been enough time, I can just peak.

This is the one I broke off 6 years ago because he wasn’t ready to marry and wasn’t interested in having kids when I was. Looks like he’s married and has kids, PLUS he appears happy. Kind of a blow to see, because although I am in a healthy, devoted relationship with a man who wants kids with me, I have lost the ability to have children because the radiation treatments will scramble my eggs and induce early menopause.

Sigh. Life, huh? Am I jealous? Maybe. Yes. At the time I was frustrated that I had gotten so far into a relationship, then had to leave it because of the difference in our needs. I don’t feel bad about missing that opportunity because we just weren’t ready. No fault. Before cancer Matt & I were not quite ready to bring a child into the world, and I believe it was the best choice until we were ready. Now we are ready, but the ship has sailed. The heartbreaking thing is twofold:

1) I don’t get the experience of raising my own kids. I feel I would be good at the job, and most importantly, raise good kids.
2) I don’t get to talk to parents as a parent. I can relate superficially, then I am just not in the club.

This is hard sometimes. I feel envious that Matt raised a daughter. He relates to other parents, and has an appreciation for kids that I can only share superficially because I’ve never been invested that way. Matt’s devotion to me goes above and beyond any desire for children. He just wants life to be spent with me. Nice boy, huh?

I cannot make babies, so now new possibilities will be open to us.

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3 Comments

  1. I like your blog! my conclusions from my long and ancient life are – if you take care of someone, love them, are involved with them, feel responsible for them, they become your children. the only difference between them and a biological child is the somewhat foggy and overrated period of labor and birth. good – yes – but that’s the smallest part of taking care of someone and parenting. When you’re ready, find someone who needs you – and give it all you’ve got and you’ll be there.

    Reply
    • cancer4me

       /  March 31, 2012

      Well said, Donna. The closest I’ve come to loving, caring for and being responsible for a being is my cat. I never thought it possible for me to love a little creature so much, but all the ingredients you mentioned were there. Even though she was not my child, she was my ‘baby’!

      Reply
  2. Keith

     /  March 29, 2012

    That’s the way it usually happens in TV land. (I mean about the ex boyfriend who has the life you’d wanted with him but with somebody else.) I have a theory about how the TV reality has developed on a different track than reality reality, but this one applies to both.

    Reply

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