Fresh from the colonoscopy 2 weeks ago, I received results: two polyps…
Benign adenomas, precancerous, come back in a year… *Sigh*…
It was disappointing learning of the polyps since it has been only one year since the last colonoscopy and my results were clean then, so I was hoping for a repeat of that. But instead two tiny polyps still sounded alright, I could live with that. They would be biopsied and results would arrive in a few days. So my results today showed the polyps were “benign adenomas”, or precancerous polyps. That is not good, and what the heck does “precancerous polyp” mean anyway?
Everything I’ve read about adenomas is that it will take between 2-10 years for one to develop into cancer. For a polyp to form and become precancerous within one year tells me that my polyps were under unusual conditions to become precancerous so early. This year has been unusually stressful, and unfortunately I have an unusually poor way of handling stress, ie. I hold it in. I convince myself it could be worse, I can handle it. This explains my “polyp garden” colon and why my resistance to growing these little guys is so low. This also explains why for survivors of colon cancer we have to stay on top of our maintenance exams (scans, colonoscopies, blood tests). I need to stay on top of my tests, I need to manage stress better. I’ve been doing the former exceedingly well, yet there’s more progress to be done on the latter.
In May 2016 my oncologist noted on my CT scan results a spot in my liver that he wanted to watch, and told me to have another scan done in three months. No worries, I thought, it’s too soon after chemo treatments, it must be something else. I did not worry. During the summer we started a new business, had Matt’s daughter and her fiancé move in with us, we had a series of financial difficulties and some personal issues come up all at once. I began losing sleep and obsessing over order in my house, an effort to keep some sort of control over a huge period of change. I (all of us) began feeling overwhelmed and out of control. We all worked from the moment we woke to bedtime every day for months straight with no breaks just to keep ahead of bills. I was on top of everything, I felt I was handling it, but was exhausted all the time. It was a miserable, stressful time for me and my family, and I began to worry about my health. I’d had a tickle in my chest for months. Thinking back about what my oncologist said about the spot in my liver, I could not let go of the fear that cancer had come back and settled in my lungs and my liver. I had no money to get the follow-up scan, and decided it would not hurt to put it off for a month or two until we could figure out our finances.
The fear overwhelmed me and I believed I was sick again. I worried for Matt, my parents, my friends, I dreaded telling them I was going to die. I worried about going through all of the diagnosis, treatments, months of uncertainty and sickness again. If this disease could come back so quickly twice, it must want me; I must be doomed. Things got extremely desperate and I could not shake the fear of not knowing. So I scheduled the scan and results came back clear.
I celebrated the good news, as did everyone around me. I had not made my concerns public, but my family knew. And yet the fear came back. The tickle in my lungs was still there, and I began to wonder how much of my chest the CT scan covered? I had not had a blood test in a while, and realized it was time. I was only a week or so off my schedule, so I scheduled the blood test and met with my oncologist. The blood test came back clear, the oncologist hypothesized that the tickle was coming from a new allergy. Again I felt better, but there was still an insecurity in my mind. No spots in my liver, no sign of disease in my blood,… the colonoscopy should turn out healthy too, right? With all the stress over the summer, what would it take for the cancer to come back? Where would it? After the first occurrence of cancer in 2012, it was only 2 1/2 years until the second occurrence in 2014. It has been about that long again, and I was inconsolably worried.
The colon prep this time around was miserable because I had a cold, too. Ugh… no fun. Coming off of the anesthetic the first thing the GI said to me was he found two small polyps. He did not think they would be problematic, but they would be biopsied all the same. The fact that the results came back precancerous is a red flag that I am not doing enough to manage stress.
The moral of the story is, I’m glad that I am being so closely monitored, that I have great health insurance (thank you Obamacare), I’m glad that at this stage the polyps could be removed with no incident. I am safe again, for now, thank goodness. I will continue practicing stress management, continue getting enough rest, exercise, good nutrition, laughter, and